Wednesday, August 1, 2012

One year.

One year ago was one of the hardest days of my life.  
August 1, 2011…the day I became a full-time working mama. 
I thought I had prepared myself.  I really didn’t think it would be that hard.
Boy, was I wrong.
I will never forget sitting in my car on my lunch break, all alone, crying my eyes out.  I didn’t think I would ever stop crying.  I didn’t think I could get out of my car and go back into that building.
I did get out, and I did survive.  But it hasn’t been easy.
Being a working mama is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  But I do it for one reason that makes every tear worth it…I do it for my family.
I struggle every single day with enormous amounts of guilt.  I try my best to put on my happy face and make the best of it.  I struggle trying to do it all and juggle all my “hats.”  I long for the days that I get to spend with my precious family. 
But I think through all of these struggles and obstacles, I have learned that I cannot do anything without massive amounts of faith.  And prayer.  And Jesus, lots and lots of Jesus.
This is only one problem on a long list of problems that I will have to face in my life – I have already faced many others.  But through those problems, I have come out alive and well – only by the grace of God.  
Everyday, I long to feel God’s presence and to feel close to him, and isn’t it when I’m going through these tough spots where I feel the closest to Him?  Maybe I’m broken and damaged and hurting so that God can come in and feel those places with the only thing that can put me back together…His love.
I’m not sure where this next year will lead me, but I do know that I’m praying for God to have HIS will done in my life – not mine, but His.
My cubicle is covered with scripture – some of them I change out daily or weekly, some of them I leave up for months on end.  Here is one that has been around for a while:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers & sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1: 2-4
I know a lot of you have been praying for me and this struggle, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Keep praying, I need them!

1 comment:

  1. WOW... It's already been a year? It seems just like yesterday to me! Thank you for sharing your struggle so openly. You will always have prayer support from us! And for the record, I think you are an incredible mother, working or otherwise! ;-)