Tuesday, October 23, 2012

talking about our loss.

I can remember seeing that faint line start to appear.  Oh, my word…I could not believe my eyes.  It was so faint…if you squinted your eyes, you couldn’t even see it.  My heart began to race.  
We had obviously wanted a baby, but were we ready?  
Of course we were.
Cue the excitement and tears and so many emotions.
Doctor’s appointments to schedule.  Blood to be drawn.  Due dates to write down in the calendar. 
I bought a pregnancy journal…some might say it was too soon, but I couldn’t resist, I wanted to write down every single thought.
We told our parents a special package was being delivered to their house.  A picture of a positive pregnancy test tucked into a priority mail envelope.  The tears, the hugs, the well wishes…more than we could have hoped for.
That joy and happiness would soon be replaced with an overwhelming sense of hurt, paint, shame, hopelessness...for we lost our baby all too soon.  April 18th – my due date would come, but there would be no baby.
This was a pivotal moment in my life – the first time in my life when I can remember turning to scripture for help.  For hope.  For joy.
A friend gave me the book, “I’ll Hold You in Heaven,” and it saved me.  I now know that one day, I will hold that precious baby again, I will cover him or her with kisses and love, and that empty feeling in my arms will be replaced.  God had special plans for my baby and for me.  Although I may not understand these plans…they are HIS plans.  
I still cry and mourn our sweet baby, and that’s okay.  April 18th will never be just another day for me, and I will never stop talking about our loss.
I think it’s so important that we talk about these babies…that we share our stories and our losses.  My sweet friend, Melody, is hosting a special sale at her shop for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month – please read the details HERE.  Consider purchasing one for yourself (even if you haven’t lost a baby) and purchase one for a friend or family member…her nest jewelry is so beautiful and lovely!  

I wear my nest ring daily, and I get comments on it all the time...love it so much!
Thank you for letting me share this story, and I encourage you to share yours, too!
I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered from shame. 
- Psalm 34: 4-5


  1. I love your face and your heart. you are so precious Lena!!!!

  2. thanks for sharing all this. you're a special lady, ya know that?

  3. Oh, Lena. I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. It is important that we share them; our experiences are what make us who we are.

  4. beautifully written Lena! thank you for being so open about this.